alone with Him

‘But if once you have begun to see that Christianity is probable you will know in your heart that this is only evading the issue. What can you ever really know of other people’s souls–of their temptations, their opportunities, their struggles? One soul in the whole creation you do know and it is the only one whose fate is placed in your hands. If there is a God, you are, in a sense, alone with Him. You cannot put Him off with speculations..What will all the hearsay count when the fog which we call ‘nature’ or ‘the real world’ fades away and the Presence in which you have always stood becomes palpable, immediate, and unavoidable?

-Mere Christianity

I really liked this passage. The other night, Alex explained to me, frustrated, how he doubts Christian genuity- that half of the people in church are simply going through the motions [among other things..]. And I had to say, he’s probably sadly true. We will Never Truly Know the heart of others, and what they think, how they feel, what makes them tick…..but there’s one who we know. And that is ourselves. While we can never know the inner workings of others, we know the inner workings of ourselves. And God knows all we know, plus an infinitude more. I may be indecisive, silly, misunderstood, and the like, but I am seeking and striving toward God’s heart. I want to be a little Christ, and every day I want to get closer. And I sometimes doubt, everyone doubts from time to time, but I know my heart, and it stands in Christ.

But, I confuse myself.
Christ brings clarity.

Honey, it’s been a long time coming

“The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self- all your wishes and precautions- to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are all trying to do instead. For what we are trying to do is to remain what we call ‘ourselves’, to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be ‘good’. We are all trying to let our mind and heart go their own way- centered on money or pleasure or ambition- and hoping, in spite of this, to behave honestly and chastley and humbly. And that is what Christ warned us you could not do. As He said, a thistle cannot produce figs. If I am in a field that contains nothing but gras-seed, I cannot produce wheat. Cutting the grass down may keep it short: but I shall still produce grass and no wheat. If I want to produce wheat, the change must go deeper than the surface. I must be ploughed up and re-sown.

That is why the real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists of simply shoving them all back; in listening to that Other Voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other Larger, Stronger, Quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings coming in and out of the wind.

We can only do it for moments at first. But from those moments the new sort of life will be Spreading through our systems: because now we are letting Him work at the right part of us. It is the difference between paint, which is merely laid on the surface, and a dye or stain which soaks right through.

What we have been told is how we men can be drawn into Christ- caan become part of that wonderful present which the young Prince of the universe wants to offer to His father- that present which is Himself and therefore Us IN Him. It is the only thing we were made for. And there are strange, exciting hints in the Bible that when we are drawn in, a great Many things in nature will begin to Come Right.”

Lewis

Lately, I have been struggling in giving God my whole heart. It is so difficult sometimes to completely die to myself and simply put my full trust in Christ. I know His will is perfect [His weakness is stronger than our strongest times, etc] but sometimes it is difficult to come to grips with the fact that I am so insignificant. I have been praying for wisdom in situations, and right now don’t know 100% where to go. But who would I be if I knew the right thing to do on my own? My desire is to follow Christ, to be more Christ-like, to share Christ with the world. The other night, Alex asked me, what would I do if I could do anything with my life? Where would I go…What would my profession be? I’ve been asked the question numerous times- too many to even count. But in my heart, my truest passion that is held dear to my heart is serving others. It’s being the one to go out of her way to make the lives of others easier. It’s putting myself down to a servant level in order to bring others up. And, in my heart, I feel led to Africa or India. And, I think it must be God because I don’t know how I would go about getting there, yet my heart still pulls me there a bit. To become a doctor is enough of a lofty goal, but to go to a foreign country to be a practicing doctor while spreading the Gospel? This is clearly something that can only be accomplished with God’s help. And, if it is His will, I have no doubts that He will make a way for it to happen. But what I do find myself doubting is WHAT the heck I am meant to do…And I suppose I will continue to be in the dark until I start putting all of my trust in God’s plan. In the short term, wisdom is also needed in other areas…lately I’ve been feeling things that I never have before. And honestly, that’s terrifying. I wonder what God’s purpose is in putting certain people in our lives. I’m sure they are there for a reason…and for us to learn something. And grow closer to Him in the process. And to not give up. And to pray without ceasing! The power of prayer is….incredible. My 4 that I have been praying for, I am seeing God working when I spend time praying for them! And that is so refreshing. I am so overjoyed and cannot help but smile when I see Him blessing them.
God, you are faithful. Help me to be faithful to Your ways.

give me All

Christ says, “Give me ALL. I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want YOU. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don’t want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. I don’t want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked- the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.”

-Lewis

“For we speak as messengers from God, trusted by him to tell the truth; we change his message not one bit to suit the taste of those who hear it; for we serve God alone, who examines our hearts’ deepest thoughts. Never once did we try to win you over with flattery, as you very well know, and God dknows we were not just pretending to be your friends…And we wil lnever stop thanking God for this: that when we preached to you, you didn’t think of the words we spoke as being just our own, but you accepted what we said as the very Word of God- which, of course, it was- and it changed your lives when you believed it.”
1 Thessalonians 2:4-13

Surrender

“The greatest hinderance to God’s blessing in your life is not others, it is yourself- your self-will, stubborn pride, and personal ambition. You cannot fulfill God’s purposes for your life while focusing on your own plans.”
-The Purpose Driven Life

“Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” Psalm 37:7

It’s important to note that surrender is best demonstrated through obedience. One often confuses the word obedience as something taught to dogs to help them obey their masters. Often, we fail to realize that We are the ones that need to learn to obey. We’re taught obedience throughout our lives, although mostly as children- being obedient to our parents and elders. However, in the same way, we must be obedient to God and all He holds us to. Being obedient to God also entails listening to commands He tells us, as well as being obedient to wait upon him.

A dog does not instantly understand the command “Stay.” I can recall many failed attempts at teaching Autumn commands as a puppy. The command “stay” may be the most important command- It teaches the dog to not run toward the owner or towards another stimulus, and instead, remain motionless in its current location. I can imagine how frightening it must be for a dog to hear its master say “STAY” and then proceed to walk away! However, how long does the owner stay away for? I have never seen an owner command “STAY” to his or her dog, and then never return. The command is temporary, and the dog is often rewarded with a treat.

In the same way, we are the dog and God is the master. How many times does God command us to WAIT or STAY or SURRENDER to Him? We often fear this step of obedience- whether it remains waiting out a situation, or staying in a place of possibly confusion or unclarity. BUT GOD AND HIS CLARITY ARE NEVER FAR AWAY. If we are obedient to His commands, He will proceed in blessing us for our obedience to Him! Just as no good master leaves his dog waiting, our God is the best master that doesn’t leave his children alone.

I’m growing tired of being told that religion [Christianity, especially] is a crutch that the uneducated or undereducated use, that “intelligent” people don’t need it. My heart breaks tenfold when I see people reject parts of Christianity, believing that their own views and ideals are superior to the words of God. And these are the people that are hardest to break, their habits and views are so engrained in their being [and many are legitimate], but if what they are saying is contradictory to what God’s word says, it’s contradictory to what God says and wants from us!

Lately, God has been teaching me patience. It’s one thing to say “Oh, yeah, I trust God.” It can easily be another story, however, when one is faced with trials and frustration, and must exert patience and complete trust in Christ. I’m at a place right now where I can easily do things on my own strength, and, while having good intentions, can ruin the plan God has. I have come to a place where I have to say “God, I trust you, and my thoughts and actions rest in you. And I will do what you want even if that means that I will be temporarily dissatisfied. Because your plan is perfect. And mine is not.” It’s a total bust to the ego. But egos are linked with pride, which are linked with us thinking we’re greater than God. I’m reminded of James 1 in these situations:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”
James 1:2-6

In asking for wisdom and clarity in situations, we must realize that God is going to answer us! So often, I hear others [and myself] explain that they are waiting upon God for an answer, that they are unsure, etc. etc. I think we fail to realize, however, that if we are waiting for an answer, God HAS, in a sense, answered us. God often answers questions and problems with 3 answers: Yes, no, or Wait. By God telling us to “wait” he is testing and expanding our patience, and our reliance on Him. How incredibly unfruitful we would be if God would give us all of our selfish desires! We would have instant gratification, and be totally ungrateful in all we would do. Perseverance comes in many forms, and right now, mine has to do with having Patience, Trust, and Fortitude in all I do. Trust that God has the perfect plan, Patience in my future plans, relationships, etc, and Fortitude in keeping up with my studies and my parents. AND, perserverance through all of this in my prayer life. In praying for my friends that God has put on my heart to pray for. I have been doing so, with God’s help, for about a month now. God has put these people in my life for a reason, and in praying for them, I know He will do a great work. If not soon, certainly in the future, when they go on to whatever has been planned for them next.

There are spiritual battles going on every moment, on this Earth right now. One just happened in front of me. I’m sitting here at Starbucks [I should probably be moving more forward with orgo..], but there were these men sitting next to me, well-dressed men in business suits, having a bible study! I thought it was pretty cool, but then one of them saw my InterVarsity sweatshirt and started inquiring about my school and faith. He then proceeded to show me something about how God is father and mother, and we must believe in this mother god to have eternal life, and that my pastor wouldn’t know about it, and how they’re going around trying to tell people about it, and how I should study with them and this group. He wouldn’t even tell me the exact church he went to. And honestly, it scared the freaking crap out of me. They had sketch ‘cult’ written all over them. The spiritual realm holds things we can never fully know or understand, and the devil has plenty of ways to confuse and detract Christians and non-Christians from God and truly knowing him. We need to put on the spiritual armor of God wherever we go. In Jesus’ name, I pray that if those people are teaching things that are not in God’s word and against the Truth that they would be stopped! It’s easy to be afraid, but then I realize how with the name of Jesus, I really have nothing to fear.

Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.
I said to the LORD, “You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing.”

As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight. [b]

The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood
or take up their names on my lips.

LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.

I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,

because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.

You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 16

Iron & Wine

I became interested in Iron and Wine from Brenna, a girl I worked with two summers ago. She gave me their album “Our Endless Numbered Days” which I loved. Honestly though, I’ve become much more fond of Sam Beam’s other works. This song is incredibly beautiful, and I can’t stop listening to it [as is the case for many of his songs.] His voice and guitar are enough to take your breath away
I included the link to listen to it for yourself!

Run like a race for family
When you hear like you’re alone
The rusty gears of morning
And faceless, busy phones
We gladly run in circles
But the shape we meant to make is gone

And love is a tired symphony
You hum when you’re awake
And love is a crying baby
Mama warned you not to shake
And love’s the best sensation
Hiding in the lion’s mane

So I’ll clear the road, the gravel
And the thornbush in your path
That burns a scented oil
That I’ll drip into your bath
The water’s there to warm you
And the earth is warmer when you laugh

And love is the scene I render
When you catch me wide awake
And love is the dream you enter
Though I shake and shake and shake you
And love is the best endeavor
Waiting in the lion’s mane

Iron and Wine- Lion’s Mane

Little Women

The semester has just begun, and already I am terribly tired. Perhaps it’s from my lack of sleep. I’ve been having a difficult time juggling school, work, church, and studying. Things are bound to improve, though.
Lately, I have been a CS Lewis fiend. I am so close to finishing Mere Christianity, I can almost taste it. I’m quite positive that once I finish, I am bound to go back for a re-read. If only reading for organic chem and physiology were such a joy.

“We are not begotten by God, we are only made by Him: in our natural state we are not sons of God, only (so to speak) statues. We have not got [spiritual life]: only [biological life] which is presently going to run down and die. Now the whole offer which Christianity makes is this: that we can, if we let God have His way, come to share in the life of Christ. If we do, we shall then be sharing a life which was begotten, not made, which has always existed and always will exist. Christ is the Son of God. If we share in this kind of life we also shall be sons of God. We shall love the Father as He does and the Holy Ghost will arise in us. He came to this world and became a man in order to spread to other men the kind of like He has– by what I call ‘good infection’. Every Christian is to become a little Christ. The whole purpose of becoming a Christian is simply nothing else.”
Lewis

I really would love to embellish this more, I read this chapter the other day and had almost broken out in tears. I don’t really know what came over me. Perhaps it is because my heart breaks for others. God has kept the same friends of mine at the tip of my tongue, and I continue to keep the four of them in prayer pretty fervently. I know how powerful prayer is [the Bible tells me so, and I have seen the miracles that result] and the last thing I want to do is wane in my efforts. Then again, nothing is my own doing. God can do all things with much less than a twitch. God can save with no efforts on my part. But I do this out of my love for others. God calls us to pray for others, to love others as ourselves, to love others as an earthly representation of how much God loves us. While I am incapable of loving like God loves, every day I strive to be a better servant and more in tune with what God wants.
I need to learn to rest in Him, and not need to rely on others or other things. However, I can’t help but to sometimes be impatient. Perhaps it is a character flaw. Sometimes though, I wonder if some of the emotions I feel are a result of other people’s desires and actions, or if I have truly come to feel them on my own. But now, I simply am just babbling.

In other news, I’m watching Little Women. Jo March used to strike me quite the irritating character, but somehow now, I can’t help but be a bit intrigued by her passion. While I relate more with Meg [who is simple, modest, and for the most part, sensible], I think we all have a bit of Jo in us- at times rash, indecisive, silly, or overly opinionated. I bought the actual novel at B&N a few weeks ago. If I ever get around to finishing Sense & Sensibility this semester, Little Women will surely be next on the fiction list.
But for once, I think I will be going to sleep before midnight.

“Oh, Jo. Jo, you have so many extraordinary gifts; how can you expect to lead an ordinary life? You’re ready to go out and – and find a good use for your talent. Tho’ I don’t know what I shall do without my Jo. Go, and embrace your liberty. And see what wonderful things come of it.”

Retreat

“I have been a selfish being all my life, in practise, though not in principle. As a child I was taught what was right, but I was not taught to correct my temper. I was given good principles, but left to follow them in pride and conceit. Unfortunately an only son, (for many years an only child) I was spoilt by my parents, who though good themselves (my father particularly, all that was benevolent and amiable), allowed, encouraged, almost taught me to be selfish and overbearing, to care for none beyond my own family circle, to think meanly of all the rest of the world, to wish at least to think meanly of their sense and worth compared to my own. Such I was, from eight to eight and twenty; and such I might still have been but for you, dearest, Loveliest Elizabeth! What do I not owe you! You taught me a lesson, hard indeed at first, but most advantageous. By you, I was properly humbled. I came to you without a doubt of my reception. You showed me how insufficient were alll my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased.”
Pride and Prejudice

Something about this passage always made me smile. Perhaps it is the power that someone’s character can have on another person, or how people really are able to change. Darcy’s vanity was engrained in him from a young age, and his acquaintance with Elizabeth abolished all of his past conceptions. He stopped looking only at himself, and worked to try to please another. The last like gets me every time though: ‘You showed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased.’ I remember reading this passage to the Jr High girls on the Twin Pines retreat, and they kind of just stared at me, totally lost in what I was saying. I continued to explain this in simpler terms, and I began to hear ‘awes’ and ‘that’s sooo sweet!’ and ‘I like him!’ It makes me want to strive to be one of those women worthy to be pleased.

Anywho, the retreat was definitely an experience. Never had I been around so many pre-teenagers for such a long period of time. Seth gave me the group of 6th grade girls, which I was very thankful for, since I had previously taught them in Sunday school. Little Natalie, Jessica, Christi, Katy, and Halle are the silliest and cutest little girls I have ever known. One girl I was immensely proud of was Anastasia. I believe she is in 8th grade, but she was in my room, and she is the opposite of the 6th grade girls. She is quiet, reserved, [wears the coolest clothes!] and is always reading. We bonded on the bus, and read together, while all of the other girls were being crazy. I give her a lot of credit for roughing it in our room, since she is so different from the other girls, and does not have many friends in youth group. She still continues to come despite these things, so I know God is working in her life.

The trip itself was a success- there was a good amount of snow there, so everyone bonded by sledding! It was a great time, and I saw a lot of kids that previously had not known eachother getting along, sledding, and sharing sleds and tubes. Dan was up from Columbia and came to talk to the kids. He talked about encouraging words, and how what we say can either be from God [by building others up] or from Satan [by shutting people down and hurting their feelings]. The kids seemed pretty receptive to it, although their attention span is basically zero. It was great to see the kids working together in group activities and encouraging others. In my daily reading, I came across Colossians 2:2-3 and it really hit home with what the kids were being taught over the weekend. And so, I copied the passage onto 6 pieces of paper to give to each of the girls, to remind them of what they had been taught.

“This is what I have asked of God for you: that you will be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of Love, and that you will have the rich experience of knowing God and Christ with clear understanding.”
Colossians 2:2-3

I hope that this weekend taught the kids how important our words are. In James 3, the tongue is described as a bit in a horse, or the small rudder of a ship- that little piece has the ability to direct and move a horse or a large ship, even though it is so minute in comparison. In the same way, the way we use our tongue and the words we say are powerful. Dan said “God’s words are powerful, and we are made in God’s image, so our words are powerful.” This is true, especially in the junior highers’ lives right now. Middle school was the worst time of my life, basically, and the encouraging words I received then made a substantial difference in the way I viewed myself and my attitude. How can blessings and cursings come out of the same mouth? In the same way, we must think before we speak, allowing the things we feel and say build others up. In this way, people will know we are God’s disciples.

“A new command I give you: Love each other just as much as I love you. Your strong love for each other will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”
John 13:34-35

If we love others, we will want to say words of encouragement and hope.

Here are a few photos from the retreat:

back to reality

It’s been a very long time, but I’ve realized that writing here is probably more useful than posting in Facebook or simply keeping my thoughts in my journal under my bed.

“…And this is the secret: that Christ in your hearts is your only hope of Glory.
So everywhere we go we talk about Christ to all who will listen, warning them and teaching them as well as we know. We want to be able to present each one to God, perfect because of what Christ has done for each of them.
This is my work, and I can only do it because Christ’s mighty energy is at work within me.”
-Colossians 1:27-29

I suppose I read this passage while in Florida because I remember underlining it, but unfortunately had forgotten what Paul had said.  Paul is describing the purpose and passion of all Christians – no matter the time frame or location, nor one’s race, sex, status in society, etc. – Evangelizing and sharing Christ with everyone we come in contact with.

To be a beacon of light for all to see, just as described in Matthew:

“You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father. [Matthew 5:14-16]

Who hides a candle under a bowl or under a lampshade so that no one can see it? The point of the candle is to diffuse light throughout a space so one can see!

And what’s driving us? ‘We want to be able to present each one to God, perfect because of what CHRIST HAS DONE.’ This involves nothing one has done on one’s own, but Christ alone. We work to help others see how destitute and sinful we are without accepting Christ’s sacrifice for our sins.

Thank you God for being unchanging. I know I am at Stony Brook to be a missionary for you. While I’m not over in the Congo or the busy cities in India, there is so much one can do in one’s backyard. Thank you for forgiving me for my constant and daily forthcomings.

“I have carried you since you were born;
I have taken care of you from your birth.
Even when you are old, I will be the same.
Even when your hair has turned gray,
I will take care of you.
I made you and will take care of you.“

-Isaiah 46:3-4

unchanging. Thank you for your promises