“that you were my first love
is just dumb dumb stupid luck
a technicality
you will always be ahead of me
tell me why i have to practice on you..”

October 24, 2009

2:30am

I’ve become increasingly frightened and surprised over the fickleness of the human heart.   At one point, we are so sure of ourselves, pulled so strongly towards one sentiment or thought. An instant later- we find ourselves questioning why we felt those things all along.  I believe it to be just one more way for God to show us that we are far from perfect beings. Humans pride themselves on being so advanced, and while we are, we are at the same time so inefficient.  Even the most certain and decisive of humans have moments of serious doubt, or times where he or she unexpectedly changes his or her mind.

This is usually true in instances of emotion- love, especially. I always come back to love, but I feel it to be such a quintessential topic. I used to wonder why some Christians focused on ‘love’ so often [so often as to sometimes speak of nothing else, and holding no other criteria but for us to love one another].  But I was wondering At this. There was a brief mesmerizing moment, and a moment later it was gone. It’s only been recently that I have been evaluating love, mostly since people have come into my life in which I have had to make the determination of where they and I stand. I believe I spoke about this in an earlier post, but Love is something so…in a way, so un-human. Un-human in the fact that a man could profess mad love for a woman, and believe that it is true, but hours later turn his back and find himself wondering what he saw in her. We are such fickle and unpredictable creatures. How is it that I, at one moment, can feel nothing but ardor, affection, ecstasy, and at another I find myself ready to throw in the towel.

I realize we use the word of love too loosely, at least for how humans use it. The reason why Love is such a hot topic for Christ is that He truly knows what it is like to Love another. He explained so often “Love one another- this is how others will Know that you are MY disciples- if you love one another.”  Basically, the only way we can truly love another is to mirror our love to be like that of Christ’s love towards us, and towards the Father. There’s no other way. “There is no greater love than this- that a man should lay down his life for his friends.” Case and point. What greater love is there than the Son of God laying down his physical life here for mankind? I can think of no greater love. Our silly wavering emotions that we dare to call love, those are nothing compared to this love.

We should be careful how we use this word. To love is to sacrifice a part of you; to make the commitment to unconditionally love no matter the circumstance, to love is to be enamored by the individual on his or her worst possible day. Love is not sexual passion, nor lust, nor infatuation. Instead, these things mar the word Love. One can show love by sex, but one cannot say love is sex.  Man is very visually driven, which is fine, but seeing a beautiful woman can send these words rolling off of his tongue.—“I love you.” You Love God for making her beautiful, you love this creation, but do you love her? Do you love her, or the thought of her? Do you love this attention you are receiving? Do you love being doted on? Do you look at her and say “She is a woman of God, a woman who fears and obeys the Lord, and will in the same way be obedient to me”? Do you say, “I love the way God has made her, all of her, and will for all time- I have been blessed by my creator for bringing someone such as her into my life. I love her through all things, and would give anything for her if it were required”?

I sometimes fear that I use the word too liberally [& I am quite shy, reserved, fearful of feelings]. Then again, perhaps I love too liberally. Then again, I’m not sure if it’s wrong to love Too much. However, I fear it will end up hurting me in the end. I love completely. I love despite circumstances, despite wrongdoings [or at least try]. There’s a point where I seriously consider backing out because I love too much for my own good. Maybe that makes me more like Christ, but maybe it also makes me more of a head case because I love those that…are broken. I love those that I can’t fix. I love them all the more, those that I can’t seem to get to see how I see. And my heart goes out and breaks and I fall for them all over again. The depths of my soul leap at the thought of them because I would give anything for them to see what I see- to see the Savior I see, to see the Life that I have been so blessed with. This second, new life. And recently, this new life has been in question for me- what’s me being a Christian all about? Where are my foundations? What is holding this all together? And, I believe this is just one more step in the process of coming to know Christ, and to develop a faith that is [I pray] more steady, constant, & rock-like.

In other news, tonight I found myself staring at a self-portrait. I, for the first time, verbally professed that I am beautiful.. seconds later, saying to God, “I have been fearfully and wonderfully made.” WE Have been fearfully and Wonderfully made. Our eye color, the shape of our cheekbones, the way our lips curve into a smile…in all of these things, we have been made unique. And I am grateful for that. I am so thankful for how I have been created. I have often complained about myself, and been quite self-conscious. How dare I mock my creator. I have taken a good, hard look at myself and said “God you have given me this body, and it’s beautiful, and I’m going to everything I can to keep it that way, and keep it in the best shape it can.” He has given me giant, deep chestnut eyes with flecks of gold, that reflect in the sun, he has given me the silliest smirk on my face. He has given me the most crooked nose ever which makes my left profile look different from the right, but I often times enjoy the versatility. He has blessed me with straight teeth sans braces.

I have been fearfully wonderfully made, Lord. And I love you. As silly and immature as my emotions and my sense of love are, I love you. And want to love more like you love me.

I’ve prided myself for a while for having profound things to say. For speaking correctly and properly, if not by mouth, then at least by pen or keyboard. For having a knack for writing fragmented sentences and talking out of my ass, but it still sounding halfway decent. For hating hating Hating having two consecutive sentences starting with the same word, or even sound [such as the last two sentences here]. I have been content with my shallow ability to write for so long, that I’ve dug myself quite a ditch, and am perplexed on how to get out.  Writing the thoughts in my head out on paper [or virtually] is infinitely times easier than writing a prompted essay response based upon incredibly boring and superfluous articles. I find myself being more and more starved for the correct word when prompted. I found myself today being incredibly clumsy, smashing my car into things, and falling down steps. And here I am, facing the consequences of them.

Do you ever wonder how much the decisions you make affect certain, seeming trivial events of life? Perhaps I literally have lost my mind, but I can strangely suddenly recall waiting for the bus in elementary school, deep in winter. The bus was quite unpredictable, and there were many-a-day when it never came, or came so late I missed the beginning of school [this was a time in which I wished to be at school nearly every hour of the day, so it was a bit distressing to me].  I developed this idea, this theory [profound for a 7-year-old] that the arrival of the bus was directly correlated with how good of a girl I had been. Therefore, the bus would be increasingly late for each thing in which I failed to atone for: being unkind to one of my parents, not obeying orders, not saying my prayers. I would try to immediately rectify the situation for praying that God would forgive me for these things, so that the bus would come and I could get to school. If the bus never came, I was convinced I needed to keep praying harder, or start being a more virtuous child.

I look back on this and wonder what God was trying to teach me- I really don’t think I ever got it. The bus coming or not coming served as a direct catalyst for me to reflect on myself and my day. Otherwise, besides my parents chastising me, I had no reason to be self-reflective [I was seven!].  In these moments, I truly looked into myself to see where I was flawed and where I had to improve. Unfortunately, sometimes there were so few things to reflect on, and the bus still never came, so I’m sure I concocted a few stories that weren’t even true, but atoned for them nonetheless. This is the one warning on reflection: that sometimes looking Too deeply into oneself causes misconceptions. I had a pity party for myself when I instead should have been praising God for helping me improve.

This is where I feel Christians miss the boat, and non-Christians notice: there is a difference between patting oneself on the back for a job well-done and being joyful and proud for your accomplishments in Christ. I’m learning a great deal about David in the bible study I attend at Stony Brook, and I was almost taken aback when I was reading part of his story in 1 Samuel.  David was trying to convince King Saul that he should be able to go out and fight Goliath the Philistine, despite David’s very young age. If I can correctly recall, he started out with explaining his many Physical qualifications: He had been a skilled shepherd, who, in the process of tending to the sheep, warded off lions, bears, big cats, and the like. Killing them and driving them off numerous times. He then went on to his more spiritual qualifications- that he did these things with God’s help, and for God’s glory because the flock was his father’s, but Ultimately his Father’s in heaven. He explained that if God had given him victory over the beasts invading the flock, who is to say that God would not equally protect Israel, God’s chosen people, from this beast Goliath who defiled the name of God.

David’s boldness and words stand out to me. We are to rejoice in our victories, cheer in our accomplishments, and be able to use them for future, and possibly bigger endeavors. However, and this is the most important part, we must remember where we get these talents from, who allows us these blessings and success, and pray that God would follow suit in helping us continually succeed.

On a side note, I’ve been wondering a lot about prayer. The effectiveness of prayer. I prayed silly prayers as a child for the bus to come, and God certainly did hear me, but would it matter if I had prayed for the bus to come or not? Sometimes it came, and sometimes it didn’t, regardless of I said a prayer for the bus driver to hurry. I know this is my childhood, but I wonder to what extent our prayer life reflects every day life. I sometimes ponder about the idea that prayer is really just for us, meaning, individually. For us to work stuff out between us and God. I’ve read [somewhere] that praying isn’t for us to change God’s mind, but for God to change Our minds. We’re the modeling clay, and by our prayers, God helps us become aware of areas of our life that need work, places we need to trust more, areas in which I need to say “Life/God/etc is going to work this out in whatever way it does, and I have to be okay with it. And I will be. Because there is a perfect plan.” And, up until now, I have been okay with that.

But I wonder, are our prayers solely for us, when for my entire life I would see groups of people praying for change and revival all over the world, in families, in the government, in people they had no control over. Is this something God has implemented so we can deal with the suffering of this world on our own terms? God, I wish for you to show me clarity on this, and pray earnestly that I could see. If it’s really just for the individual, do my prayers really not influence what happens at all? It’s a bit bizarre to think of. The Bible asks what Good father, if his father asked him for a loaf of bread, would give him a stone, or if he asked for a fish, give him a snake? How much more will our Father in Heaven give good gifts to his children that ask for them. It just blows my mind sometimes. Maybe I think too much. My thinking just shows me more and more each day that, while we humans think we are quite high and mighty here on earth, the working of this universe are so incredibly vast and out of our control.  He is so big that our brains fail to even try to grasp it, and when we try, our mind is blown.

Maybe I’ve just answered my own question. Perhaps this is the purpose of prayer: to consistently cry out to God in the depths of our despair, fearful of the outcome, trusting in his tremendous size and power, knowing that He will continue to work out the plan He made for us before we were even born. This is true in my own life. By my own hand, I would be a depressed and hopeless child, raging with angst and hate towards my parents, clinging to any attention I could get from others. I know this. I know this because I’ve struggled with some of these things. Yet, through all things, here Christ was with his promises. Matthew 6 where Jesus explains in his sermon on the mount “Why do you worry?” should have constantly been on my lips. I trusted in Him, rested in Him, fought with Him, through this entire time, and He has pulled me through and refined me through a fire that, looking back, I’m not entirely sure how I made it out from, & how my family made it out in one piece. One more piece of evidence of prayer being for the individual, but that individual affecting everyone around him or her.

The Bible is certainly right: when we come face-to-face with God, we will be able to do nothing more than fall on our faces in humility and adoration. Complete, utter, awe.

Jesus help me to be that humble, adoring servant despite my doubts, troubles to trust, and desire for my own way.

“But love is meant to be taken very seriously. While we’re flawed, I am wholeheartedly convinced that our love is meant to mirror Christ’s love for us: standing the test of time, despite all circumstances. It is a choice determined by oneself: a burning calling to care for another that cannot be shaken [even when one wishes it would be banished forever]. It becomes less and less about the self and more and more about the other. That being said, the apostle Paul explains that Love is not self-seeking, and ‘keeps no record of wrongs.’ Despite all circumstances, Love remains. Despite all barriers, all short-comings, every glitch in the system and bump along the way. And so, I would hardly consider it a whimsical, fleeting emotion. Love ‘hopes, endures all things, & lasts forever.’ And all other things, melt away.”

“But love remains?”

“Yes it does, yes it does.”

And it’s times like these I wonder whether I’m sane or a little crazy like my mother.

And it’s times like these when I wonder if the multitude of my mistakes will be worth it.

And it’s times like these when all I want to do is giggle and curl under your covers, for your bed enveloped me so much better than my own sheets could [strong arms calmed my quick beating heart].

And it’s times like these I want to get makeup on your leather couch, over and over again, and not even apologize because you said you liked it.

And it’s times like these I realize you’ve taught me more about myself than I could have learned on my own [you've interceded in a way that no one else could have]

And I’m almost ready to bottle up every memory I’ve had and tuck it far back into my mind, in hopes you’ll one day come around and I’ll be able to find them.

And it’s times like this real late at night when I want to be brushing my teeth in your apartment, hair tied back and make up washed away. And you still call me beautiful. And my face smells of juicy oranges and grapefruit.

And it’s times like this I remember falling asleep smiling, knowing that I’d turn over and see your scruffy, olive face in the morning, smiling back at me.

And it’s times like these I remember how you found out who I was only because you went to church that morning. And how you stuck around through my indecisiveness, my demands, my standards, my fears and doubts.

And it’s times like these I remember the smell of your grandpa’s cologne. Poppy and Rosie. And how I loved them like my own.

And it’s times like these I remember selflessly driving out to see your dark eyes. Pitter-pattering on your old door [the door plaque had previously fallen off and a "2H" was etched on the faded gold panel.]

And it’s times like these I remember taking a deep breath, and walking upstairs to the second floor. Alone. For the first time. And the note you scribbled and stuck to the door [telling me to come inside]..[my name was spelled wrong] I saved it in my wallet for months [even after you called me the wrong name as I loaded your dishwasher]

And the way we sat across from each other at your table, eating sushi and talking for hours [how peculiar you were the first young man that was able to have an intelligent conversation with me!] Still, I remember at times like these that I was too bashful to even look you in the eye.

To even have the courage to stare into them [instead I ran out the door]

And it’s times like these when I would go back to every moment just before your lips touched mine, and press the ’stop’ button [freeze the moment. Go outside my body and take a photo and keep every one] just to see my mouth curl up into a smile as you kissed me [half the time your lips met my teeth] and how my face would scrunch.

And it’s times like these I realize that life is meant to be lived, and to live it alone is so terribly sad.

And it’s times like these my heart breaks because I can’t make you be what I need. What I so desperately want you to see [that present that I can see inside, but to you it's just a wrapped box that's bound with miles of tape]

RIP OPEN THE TAPE.

It’s times like these I realize that it’s not about me. This isn’t about me. It goes way beyond that.

But still, albeit selfish of me, it’s times like these when I wish I could still be called your girl. ["you're my girl..I like saying that"]

“You have to empty your home….you have to empty your life, of Clementine”

Yet still, I remain hopeful…praying daily, loving always

‘Now all has been heard;

here is the conclusion of the matter:

Fear God and keep His commandments,

for this is the whole duty of man.

For God will bring every deed into judgement,

including every hidden thing.

whether it is good or evil.”

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

The book of Ecclesiastes cannot be interpreted correctly without reading these final verses. No matter what the mysteries and apparent contradictions of life are, we must work toward the single purpose of knowing God.
In Ecclesiastes, Solomon shows us that we should enjoy life, but this does not exempt us from obeying God’s commandments. We should search for purpose and meaning in this life, but they cannot be found in human endeavors. We should acknowledge the evil, foolishness, and injustice in life, yet maintain a positive attitude and strong faith in God.
All people will have to stand before God and be judged for what they did in this life. We will not be able to use life’s inconsistencies as an excuse for failing to live properly. To live properly, we need to:
(1) recognize that human effort apart from God is futile.
(2) put God first- now
(3) receive everything good as a gift from God
(4) realize that God will judge both good and evil
(5) know that God will judge the quality of every person’s life.
How strange that people sepnd their lives striving for the very enjoyment that God gives freely.

Suppose I speak in the languages of human beings and of angels. If I don’t have love, I am only a loud gong or a noisy cymbal.

Suppose I have the gift of prophecy. Suppose I can understand all the secret things of God and know everything about him. And suppose I have enough faith to move mountains. If I don’t have love, I am nothing at all.

 Suppose I give everything I have to poor people. And suppose I give my body to be burned. If I don’t have love, I get nothing at all.

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people’s wrongs.

Love is not happy with evil. But it is full of joy when the truth is spoken. It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up.

Love never fails. But prophecy will pass away. Speaking in languages that had not been known before will end. And knowledge will pass away.

What we know now is not complete. What we prophesy now is not perfect.  But when what is perfect comes, the things that are not perfect will pass away.

When I was a child, I talked like a child. I thought like a child. I had the understanding of a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

Now we see only a dim likeness of things. It is as if we were seeing them in a mirror. But someday we will see clearly. We will see face to face. What I know now is not complete. But someday I will know completely, just as God knows me completely.

The three most important things to have are faith, hope and love. But the greatest of them is love.

 –1 Corinthians 13

• Love is PATIENT and KIND-  We are not to grow anxious with another if he or she does things in a way we are not used to, or in timing that is not ideal to our own. In such a way, we must also be kind and compassionate to them, without any type of sarcasm or malice.
• Love does NOT boast or brag- We are to be humble! Yes, humble. In our achievements, in our manners. If we truly believe we are the greatest, does that not mean that in your love, you will believe the other inferior to you, and therefore unworthy of you? That being said, swallow some pride and take a dose of humility.
• Love DOES NOT look out for its own interests- This is where being selfless is so important. I’ve been told that one Always is looking out for oneself- that, to an extent, humans are always looking our for their own interests. Here is a place where we need to seek to become more Christlike. Being truly in love with a person means sometimes doing things that will not benefit you At All, but will help out the other person. Going out of your way in order to solely serve someone else, without dwelling on the fact that you are being inconvenienced, is one of the most selfless ways to love, I think
• Love DOES NOT keep a record of other people’s wrongs- Forgive and forget, right? Maybe not. This truly mirrors Christ because, when we sin and ask God forgiveness, He completely blots out our wrongs and makes the slate clean like we haven’t sinned. But, as humans, it is almost impossible to forget someone wronging you. However, real love means being able to forgive the other for whatever he or she has done (in your heart, as well as verbally), and not holding it against them again. That does not give the other person liberty to continue the action, however.

This passage just speaks to me in a way that others do not. Love being the greatest of all things and everything else passing away truly shows how FLEETING this world is. How Christ’s love for us is the ONLY thing that remains, and so, we must respond to this love by giving Him OUR LIVES. It’s similar to hollowing ourselves out and filling with Christ. To say “Use me God, in whatever way you choose, and teach me to LOVE like You love.”

I suppose this post was more revealing than I could have  hoped.
What is love? Taking a human that is clearly an imperfect being that will never be able to fully 100% satisfy you [although Christ can], and trying to be like Christ in your actions. As Christians, we are told to love All. In a mate, to love them despite their imperfections is truly key- to learn to love the things that make he or she unique, and press and urge to mend the parts of his or her life that can use some shaping up- not for yourself, but for his or herself. 

When will I know if I’m in love? I’m always in love with my Jesus. and those I know. But when will I know if I am in “love” as the world describes ? When does “in like” become “in Love” ???  

I could hardly know..but until We begin looking at Love through Christ’s eyes, I know we will be missing the boat.

“I was thinking about that the other day…how every time you get close to someone, you give a little piece of your heart away. I’ve been wondering if that’s entirely true. I mean, maybe our hearts are like starfish- When a piece breaks off, your heart grows back. And maybe the bits of our heart that break off, they grow into new hearts. And the people you give it to carry your heart with them for the rest of their lives. I don’t think it’s possible for someone to truly forget another person, especially someone they’ve had an intimate connection with. It’s like how ex-alcoholics live- their livers repair and re-mend, despite all of the damage that’s been done to them. And regardless, life goes on.”

But—“When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love, he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit. He generously poured out the Spirit upon us through Jesus Christ our Savior. Because of his grace he declared us righteous and gave us confidence that we will inherit eternal life.” This is a trustworthy saying, and I want you to insist on these teachings so that all who trust in God will devote themselves to doing good. These teachings are good and beneficial for everyone.

Titus 3:4-8